With You

With you
I forget my double chin when I lay down,
forget how silly I look in the shower with my hair wet and pressed against my face
forget how my lips fold back to prominently reveal my gums when I laugh
forget that I prefer for people to look at the left side of my face instead of the right
forget the stretch marks that run down my thighs
forget my ears stick out just a little too much
forget the bump on my nose.
With you,
with each kiss,
I am beautiful.

Advertisements

Why is the night always so dark?

Why is the night always so dark?
As the light fades over the horizon
so does my happiness
replaced with voices so loud
so crushing
so damning.
The walls and the floor and the windows get sucked
into the darkness.
My bed and closet and dressers go, too
until I’m floating in black
with nothing around me.
Thoughts like meteors whizz above and below and around me,
sometimes missing me, sometimes hitting me,
moving so fast that I don’t know what they say.
I try to grab one, hoping to either slow it down
or trail behind it.
There is nothing I can do except wait
Wait for the light to peak up past the horizon
or wait for someone to turn on the light.

Anger

Someone has lit a fire
and it is raging in my chest.
The smoke fills every crevice
until there’s nowhere for it to go
except
up.

The smoke is like a beast
clawing its way up my throat
pushing and pulling and punching
creating a knot that makes it hard to swallow.
But I won’t let it out.

My eyes sting as the smoke
reaches my eyes
and escapes with my tears.
And as the tears fall
they smother the fire.
And when the smoke clears
all that’s left is ashes.

But I can clean that up.

Unnamed Feeling

It feels like restlessness
and tiredness

Like I want to run a marathon
and never move again.

I want to cry out of anguish
and laugh out of mania

I want to curl up into a ball in the corner of my closet and let my chest scream and my head pound and my body convulse from being too tight.

I want to forget there are dishes to do
Floors to clean

that there is a world outside moving without me
that there is a world inside moving within me.

Tomorrow I will be smiles and personality
Make up done and hair fixed
The noise around me will distract from the noise inside me

But for now
It’s silent
It’s deafening.

Am I not enough?

Peace

The room is warm enough
to turn my cheeks a little pink,
and that warmth
flows from my cheeks
to my hand
and extends
into his arms
that envelops me so tightly.
The laughter is like butterflies
and the smiles match
the twinkling lights
hung on the wall.
It’s cold outside,
but here I am safe,
here I am wanted,
here my soul is calm.

Untitled

but don’t you understand?
when there is a storm on the horizon,
you seek shelter.
when there is a fire consuming the house,
you get out.
when there is a bear in your sight,
you run.
there is a Wild beauty in these things, no doubt
when you see then from afar
nestled safe, miles away.
but you don’t dare get close
because the damage would ruin you.
so listen to me.
seek shelter
get out
run
save yourself from the storm in me.

Beginnings, Middles, and Ends

There are only a few things in life where you can track the beginning, middle, and end of something: wedding planning, your current age, the school year, day time, night time. You know where you in relation to time. And those things are comforting. Say you set a goal for yourself to get something done by the end of the year — that is easily trackable.

But like I said, only a few things are that way. For the rest of the time we spend living, we know nothing of when things will start, when they will be halfway through, or when they will end. Sure, we can track one of those moments in time. We can know the beginning of a relationship, the end of job. But we can’t know when the middle is because rarely do we have the luxury of knowing when the end will be as the beginning is just starting. We might know the beginning of a relationship, but we won’t know it’s the end until the end has snuck up on us, unplanned and usually unwanted. Endings often do that.

We never know what will be our last hug to someone, the last time you walk out of a certain door, or the last time you drive down a familiar street. Life doesn’t give you little warnings by saying “Hey! You have 5 more days to wear this shirt, so enjoy it.” And sometimes you purposefully plan the end of something, only to later discover it wasn’t the end after all.

Sometimes I think control is only an illusion — something we make up to make ourselves feel better about the absolute chaos surrounding us. Beginnings happen quickly, as well as ends, without our say so. We can pretend to say “This is the last time I will ever talk to this person” or “I will never leave this place”, but rarely do we have such control. Life just happens.

I can say this is the beginning of my new blog. I can’t tell you when the middle will be, nor can I in this moment tell you the end. Which is kind of exciting, isn’t it? Who knows what adventures will happen! I suppose it’s time to get busy and find out.

“Whether this is my end, or a new beginning, I have no way of knowing. I have given myself over into the friends of strangers. I have no choice. It can’t be helped. And so I step up into the darkness within… or else the light.” – June, The Handmaid’s Tale, Season 1, Ep. 10